Are You Repeating Your Parents' Relationship Patterns?
Understanding How Core Conflict Relational Themes (CCRTs) Shape Intimacy
In the context of Attachment Theory, the way we bond and connect with significant others is shaped by our early experiences with caregivers, influencing how we seek and maintain closeness. Secure intimacy is formed through the combination of each partner’s individual attachment strategy and their model of intimacy which is based largely on intimate relationships observed in childhood, most commonly the parents' relationship. Unlike attachment strategies, this intimate map is captured in what’s termed Core Conflict Relational Themes (CCRT) and is in place as early as age 4-5 years old! These themes often form the core of an intimate relationship.
CCRTs contain three key elements:
Wish: The desire a person has in their relationships (e.g., to feel loved or accepted).
Expected Response: What the person expects their partner will do (e.g., withdraw or reject).
Reaction: How the person responds to the partner's actions (e.g., feelings of abandonment or rejection).
The structure of the CCRT focuses on the underlying desire that drives people in the relationships they choose—this is known as the "wish." Essentially, it's what someone is hoping to achieve or get out of each relationship. Every CCRT includes this wish, which represents what the person truly wants most in a relationship.
Improving intimacy takes time, especially if you and your partner struggle with attachment issues. Here are some steps to get started:
1. Know Your Attachment Style
If you find yourself consistently encountering relational challenges, identifying your Attachment Pattern may help. The vast majority of individuals’ with insecure attachment will also have intimacy dysfunction. Interestingly, even many securely attached adults can have relational disturbances around intimacy. In such cases, this points to the parents taking good enough care of them as a child, yet the parents themselves did not take good care of each, modeling poor intimate partner behaviors. Many people find themselves acting similarly to their parents and primary caregivers, what bothers them in the relationship and the way they resolve conflict.
For example, the parents may have their own unfinished conflicts or bicker constantly. A secure child can learn these patterns and these will be encompassed in their own CCRT map. The way this relational disturbance presents for a secure adult is the following: they may have great work, great friends and lots of interests and hobbies, yet their intimate life is riddled with afflictive patterns often reminiscent of the same or similar patterns their parents experienced in their relationship.
Relational disturbances are common: 1 in 2 people seek out therapeutic services because they are dissatisfied with their relationships.
2. Identify Your CCRT
When someone internalizes a message like "I am bad" at an early age, it shapes how they approach relationships, often leading them to unconsciously choose partners that reinforce this belief. As a result, they repeatedly engage in dynamics that confirm their sense of unworthiness, causing ongoing disappointment and emotional pain. Core Conflictual Relationship Theme (CCRT) maps help identify these recurring patterns. Individuals may consistently choose emotionally unavailable or critical partners, reinforcing the belief that they are unworthy of love. Despite wanting change, they remain stuck in a cycle of dissatisfaction and unhappiness.” To break free from unconscious relational patterns, consider exploring your CCRT through the Core Conflict Relationship Theme (CCRT) mapping.
3. Communicate Openly with Your Partner
For insecurely attached adults, intimacy difficulties are commonplace. Non-secure strategies present inherent challenges in intimate relationships. For example, an avoidant and anxious push-pull partner dynamic, or unpredictable behaviors due to unfinished emotional business. Short-term, it's possible to bring an intimate relationship between two or more insecurely attached partners by re-negotiating the relationship terms, learn how in our Mastering Attachment Styles workshop.
4. Re-negotiate Relationship Terms
For example, the avoidant partner agrees and stops pulling away or using distancing strategies. The anxious partner learns self-regulation skills and doesn’t constantly seek proximity, by learning to give space. Such short-term renegotiating can help stabilize an intimate relationship enough that one or both partners can pursue the long-term work of earning secure attachment.
5. Seek Professional Support
Even after earning security there may still be one or more difficult relationship themes that play out, encompassed by the CCRT. The CCRT questionnaire assesses these themes and an expert scorer can formulate them into a highly personalized and condensed relationship map. Here’s an excerpt of a sample CCRT:
“In the second pattern, you often find yourself attracted to strong, independent, and successful men, believing that their achievements will elevate your own sense of self. At the start, their success seems captivating, and you idealize them, hoping their presence will boost your own feelings of accomplishment and self-worth. However, as time goes on, the reality of the relationship starts to unravel the idealized image you created. The traits you once admired begin to lose their shine, and you start seeing flaws in the person you had placed on a pedestal.
As disillusionment sets in, what initially felt like a promising connection turns into something heavy and unfulfilling. The admiration you once held shifts to disappointment, as you realize that success alone doesn’t make them the person you imagined. This gradual erosion of your idealized perception leads to growing frustration, and the relationship becomes increasingly painful, often ending in a long and difficult breakup.”
6. Practice Emotional Regulation
CCRT maps are designed for individuals who repeatedly enter relationships that don’t serve them well, often selecting poorly and reenacting the same difficulties based on one or two core themes. These recurring behaviors lead to dissatisfaction and unhappiness in each relationship. In the context of ideal parent figure protocol, disturbances in the intimate relationship are addressed through the Ideal Partner Figure.
The Ideal Partner Protocol
Unlike the ideal parents that only provide care (but don’t receive care from the client-as-child), the secure intimate relationship is mutual and reciprocal, you are both the receiver and giver of secure care to and from your partner.
Here’s how it works:
Positive Redefinition: This phase involves reworking your internal model of what a secure intimate relationship looks like. You and your partner work to define how each wants to give and receive care, moving beyond old patterns.
Reciprocity in Care: Unlike the parent-child attachment model, intimate relationships are reciprocal. You both give and receive care, nurturing a sense of safety and trust.
Open Expression of Intimacy: The final phase reinforces healthy intimate behaviors, ensuring both partners feel comfortable being vulnerable and receiving love and care.
By positively redefining the model of an intimate partnership, the secure features can be elaborated on and specifically tailored to the attachment needs of the individual. It's necessary to fully repair insecure attachment before starting on remapping the intimacy model. The final step of the ideal partner protocol is to elaborate on and reinforce the open expression of intimate behaviors within the relationship. These are the specific ways one wishes to care for their intimate partner, and to be cared for by their partner in a reciprocal and mutual manner.
Conclusion
At the end of the healing process, individuals not only develop a new, positive understanding of secure adult intimacy but also begin to make different choices in their relationships, aligning with this healthier model. Many describe the shift as, “It’s like my type has changed” or “I’m attracted to completely different people.” This transformation marks the completion of the positive remapping process, where an internalized model of secure intimacy is formed. With a clearer understanding of their own attachment needs and desires, individuals move away from unhealthy relationship patterns and become drawn to partners who reflect their new, secure perspective. This profound shift enables them to build more fulfilling, stable, and emotionally supportive relationships.
For more resources on fostering secure attachments and reshaping relational patterns, explore our offerings on Mindful Attachment Coaching, where we provide personalized coaching sessions and specialized Courses tailored to promote secure, healthy relationships.
