How to Heal Anxious Attachment Style: From Overwhelmed to Secure
Anxious preoccupied attachment style can significantly impact how we connect with others, shaping our relationships and interactions. People with this attachment style often feel a deep fear of abandonment and crave constant reassurance, which can lead to patterns of overdependence and emotional distress. Anxious preoccupied attachers feel like they are always on, hyperactivated, having too many feelings and never really being able to settle. While these behaviors may stem from formative experiences in childhood, healing is entirely possible with the right tools and support.
This post explores the origins of anxious attachment, practical steps to overcome it, and the long-term benefits of shifting toward secure attachment. Drawing from research, therapeutic approaches, and tools like the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol, you’ll learn how to nurture healthier relationships and find a sense of security within yourself. Whether you're looking to improve your romantic relationships, strengthen friendships, or enhance your connection with yourself, this guide offers actionable insights on how to fix an anxious attachment style.
How Does Anxious Attachment Style Form in Childhood?
Anxious attachment originates in childhood from inconsistent caregiving. When parents/caregivers alternate between being occasionally nurturing yet emotionally unavailable, children can develop a hypervigilant approach to relationships. Anxious preoccupied parents often multi-task and are distracted, leading to pervasive misattunement to the child. However, these parents often do respond to intense cries and signals from the child, but miss or don't respond to ordinary low-level signals. These children learn to cling to their caregivers, fearing abandonment and striving to secure love and attention.
According to attachment theory, this behavior stems from an unfulfilled need for consistent emotional attunement. For example, a parent who is physically present but emotionally distant can confuse a child’s sense of safety. This inconsistency prevents the child from developing a secure base, leaving them uncertain about whether their needs will be met. Lastly, preoccupied parents often over-share, over-involve and even intrude into their child’s life, causing issues with identity formation, role-reversal and boundaries.
As these children grow into adults, they often carry intense anxiety into their relationships, manifesting as a need for constant reassurance, fear of rejection, and difficulty trusting others. The good news is that these patterns can be unlearned. For those wondering how to heal anxious attachment style, the process begins with self-awareness and a commitment to change. By understanding their roots, individuals can start the journey toward healing and cultivating more secure connections.
How to Fix Anxious Attachment Style Step by Step
Understand Your Needs and Emotions
The first step in healing anxious attachment is to shift from an Outside-In to an Inside-Out Orientation. Notice whether you are focused on your own experience, feeling comfortable in your own skin or are you caught up in hypervigilantly tracking other people? Even when you are not with anyone are you still thinking and perseverating on what other people’s experience may be? Meditations tracking your own inner experience, that allow you to stabilize in yourself are especially helpful in not only improving metacognitive function but also establishing Inside-Out Orientation.
Recognizing your needs is also critical. Many people with anxious attachment struggle to express what they need, fearing rejection or judgment. Practice naming your needs in safe, low-stakes environments, such as with close friends or a therapist. Over time, this practice can help you build confidence in advocating for yourself. These steps are essential in learning how to heal anxious attachment style and shifting your focus inward.
Understanding your emotions also involves learning to self-soothe and co-regulate. Instead of seeking external validation, work on calming your nervous system through meditative practices or progressive muscle relaxation. When you are in a relationship with another person who is relagutating to you, monitor how much of the relational real estate you are taking up. Preoccupied attachers often dominate conversations and interactions, leaving little space for other people to express themselves. It comes from a fear of abandonment: “if I stop talking, the other person will stop paying attention to me and abandon me”. You have to consciously and actively monitor your participation in interactions and ensure they are mutual and balanced. In the short term, you’re likely to feel more anxious about being abandoned, yet long term it will lead to more regulating and fulfilling interactions.
In addition, preoccupied adults often have difficulty exploring what matters most to them, feeling actively frightened by any genuine expressions of self. Instead, if you are anxiously preoccupied you often find yourself not being fully authentic or people pleasing in order to alleviate your anxiety. Find simple, safe ways to try to explore and take initiative, so you can discover the world and who your are, and feel some agency in your own abilities and competence. Lastly, find people that you can share what you are discovering in your pursuits and someone that can celebrate your successes.
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness helps you stay present in your relationships rather than being consumed by fear of what might happen. Techniques such as mindfulness meditation or body scanning can help you notice when anxiety begins to take hold, allowing you to respond calmly rather than reacting impulsively.
Additionally, mindfulness can improve emotional regulation by helping you observe your thoughts without judgment. For example, instead of spiraling into "What if they leave me?" scenarios, mindfulness teaches you to acknowledge these fears as thoughts, not facts. Incorporating mindfulness is a valuable step in fixing anxious attachment style and regaining emotional balance.
Set Healthy Boundaries
People with anxious attachment often struggle to establish boundaries, fearing that doing so will push others away. However, boundaries are essential for building balanced relationships. They protect your well-being and foster mutual respect.
Start by identifying areas in your relationships where you feel uncomfortable or overextended. Communicate these boundaries clearly using “I” statements, such as, “I need some time to myself to recharge.”
Remember that setting boundaries isn’t about controlling others; it’s about taking care of your emotional needs. If someone reacts negatively to your boundaries, that’s a reflection of their discomfort, not a failure on your part. Over time, practicing boundaries will help you feel more empowered and less dependent on others for validation.
Seek Therapy
Therapeutic approaches, such as attachment-based therapy, can be transformative for individuals with anxious attachment. Therapists trained in attachment theory can help you explore the root causes of your attachment style and develop healthier patterns of relating to others.
One powerful approach is the Ideal Parent Figure (IPF) Protocol, which uses guided imagery to create a sense of secure attachment in the brain. Research shows that this method can rewire attachment-related responses over time, fostering a sense of safety and trust.
Therapy can also provide a safe space to practice communication skills, process past traumas, and build emotional resilience. It’s one of the most effective ways to learn how to fix anxious attachment style for long-term growth.
Improve Communication
Effective communication is vital for healing anxious attachment. Practice active listening by giving your full attention to your partner, maintaining eye contact, and paraphrasing their points to ensure understanding.
Use “I” statements to express your feelings without placing blame. For example, instead of saying, “You never pay attention to me,” try, “I feel unheard when we don’t spend quality time together.” Express positively, meaning express what you want, instead of focusing on stating what you don’t want. You may be surprised to find its much harder for you to actually know what you may need and how to get it. That’s ok. By engaging in this way, over and over, you will not only get a better sense of what you need in any given moment, you’ll also be able to more effectively have your needs met on your own and in relationships.
Avoid criticism and focus on constructive dialogue. Being open to feedback and willing to compromise can help create a more secure dynamic in your relationships.
Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. People with anxious attachment often struggle with self-criticism, which can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and fear.
Remind yourself that healing is a process, and it’s okay to make mistakes along the way. Affirmations, journaling, or even self-soothing techniques like hugging yourself can reinforce a compassionate mindset.
Build a Supportive Network
Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and provide emotional support. A strong network of friends, family, or support groups can serve as a buffer against feelings of insecurity and isolation.
Regulate Your Nervous System
Practices like yoga, breathwork, and somatic experiencing can help calm the hyperactivation of your attachment system. These techniques teach your body to respond to stress in healthier ways, reducing anxiety and promoting a sense of safety. Above all, find people that are emotionally regulating to you and keep them close by nurturing these relationships.
Date Someone Comfortable With Intimacy
Choosing a partner who values emotional closeness and open communication can make a significant difference. Secure partners can model healthy relational behaviors, creating an environment where you feel safe to grow and change.
Be Patient
Healing anxious attachment takes time and consistent effort. Celebrate small wins along the way, and remember that progress isn’t linear. By remaining patient and persistent, you can learn how to fix anxious attachment style and cultivate healthier relationships over time.
Benefits of Healing an Anxious Attachment
Enhanced Emotional Resilience: Develop greater capacity to cope with stress, navigate challenges effectively and experience even more positive states.
Improved Relationships: Build deeper, more fulfilling connections based on trust and mutual respect.
Reduced Anxiety and Depression: Experience a decrease in attachment-related distress and greater emotional balance.
Increased Trust and Security: Feel more confident and secure in your relationships, reducing fear of abandonment.
Improved Parenting Skills: Break generational patterns and foster secure attachment in your children.
Conclusion
Healing an anxious attachment style is a transformative journey that can lead to more fulfilling relationships and a stronger sense of self. By understanding your attachment patterns and taking actionable steps to address them, you can move toward a life filled with trust, security, and emotional well-being. If you’re ready to begin, explore our services at Mindful Attachment Coaching or book a free consultation today.
