When Trusting People Feels Risky
Overcoming Mistrust and Building Secure Relationships
Have you ever felt like you couldn’t trust someone, even when they’ve given you no reason not to? Or do you find yourself expecting betrayal, rejection, or hidden motives from others?
This kind of deep-rooted mistrust often has origins in early attachment disruptions and maladaptive schemas developed over time. Drawing from Peter Fonagy’s concept of epistemic mistrust, attachment theory, and Jeff Young’s maladaptive schema model, we can understand how mistrust takes hold and how we can heal it to foster healthier, more secure relationships.
Epistemic Mistrust: Doubting Connection at Its Core
Epistemic mistrust, as introduced by Peter Fonagy, refers to a profound inability to trust others as reliable sources of emotional support, care, or knowledge. When a child’s caregivers are inconsistent, unresponsive, or harmful, the child develops defenses that prevent them from being open to connection. The internal working model becomes: “others are unreliable, unhelpful and not truthful”.
Over time, this results in:
Hypervigilance: Constantly questioning others’ motives or actions.
Emotional Withdrawal: Avoiding intimacy to protect oneself from perceived harm.
Rejection of Support: Struggling to accept help or care, even when it’s offered sincerely.
Mistrust Through the Lens of Attachment Theory
Attachment theory tells us that secure attachment arises when caregivers are reliable, attuned, and emotionally present, this leads to epistemic trust. A sense that our caregivers are going to be helpful and we can rely on them. When this is absent or disrupted, insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) form, creating a foundation for mistrust:
Anxious Attachment: Fear of abandonment and suspicion of others’ commitment.
Avoidant Attachment: Dismissing others as unreliable or untrustworthy and prioritizing independence.
Disorganized Attachment: Experiencing others as both a source of comfort and harm, leading to chaotic relational patterns.
In all these cases, mistrust becomes a learned survival mechanism—protective, but isolating.
How Maladaptive Schemas Explain Mistrust
Schema Therapy, developed by Dr. Jeffrey Young, offers another powerful framework for understanding deep-rooted patterns of mistrust.
The Mistrust/Abuse Schema is one of the 18 early maladaptive schemas identified in Schema Therapy. It forms when:
Caregivers are unreliable, harsh, neglectful, or abusive.
A child learns that others cannot be trusted to meet their emotional or physical needs.
This schema carries into adulthood, creating beliefs like:
“People will take advantage of me.”
“If I’m vulnerable, I’ll get hurt or betrayed.”
“I have to protect myself because no one else will.”
The Mistrust Schema often manifests in:
Relationships: Assuming partners, friends, or colleagues are dishonest or harmful.
Emotional Defenses: Rejecting help, avoiding vulnerability, or lashing out to preempt betrayal.
Self-Sabotage: Struggling to form meaningful connections due to persistent suspicion or withdrawal.
Practical Steps to Begin Rebuilding Trust
The good news is that both epistemic mistrust and schemas like Mistrust/Abuse can be healed through intentional, relational, and reflective work. Here’s how:
1. Corrective Relationships: Attachment Repair
Working with a therapist, coach, or trusted individual who provides consistent, attuned, and safe support helps rebuild trust and the possibility of secure relating.
Attachment repair processes like the Ideal Parent Figure Protocol allow individuals to experience a sense of safety and emotional attunement they may have missed early in life.
2. Mentalization: Reframing Intentions
As highlighted by Peter Fonagy, mentalization (reflecting on your own and others’ thoughts and emotions) helps reduce hypervigilance and misinterpretation of others’ intentions.
Practice asking: “What else could this person mean?” or “Is my mistrust grounded in past experiences, or is this situation different?”
3. Identifying and Challenging the Schema
The Mistrust/Abuse Schema involves:
Recognizing how mistrust impacts your relationships and emotional responses.
Challenging core beliefs like “I can’t trust anyone” by identifying exceptions and evidence to the contrary.
Practicing schema healing exercises, such as reparenting (imagining a safe, caring adult addressing your emotional needs).
4. Mindfulness and Self-Regulation
Mindfulness practices allow you to pause and observe mistrustful thoughts without immediately reacting.
Techniques like grounding exercises, breathwork, and body scans help you regulate emotions when mistrust is triggered.
5. Building Incremental Trust
Healing mistrust doesn’t mean throwing caution to the wind. Start small:
Share something minor with a trusted person and observe their response.
Notice when people act with care, reliability, and consistency.
Allow yourself to take safe emotional risks and build trust over time.
Why Healing Mistrust Matters
Living with epistemic mistrust or a Mistrust Schema can feel like living behind an invisible wall. It may feel safer, but it comes at the cost of deep, meaningful connection.
Healing mistrust allows you to:
Build secure, fulfilling relationships based on mutual trust.
Experience emotional safety and support from others.
Trust yourself and your ability to navigate relationships confidently.
Start Your Journey Toward Secure Trust
Mistrust may have been an adaptive survival mechanism, but it doesn’t have to define your relationships forever. By understanding the roots of mistrust through attachment theory, epistemic mistrust, and schema processing, you can begin to challenge old patterns and build a new foundation of safety, trust, and connection.
At Mindful Attachment Coaching, we specialize in helping individuals heal from attachment wounds, rebuild trust, and create secure, fulfilling relationships.
Ready to break free from mistrust and build deeper connections? Start Your Journey Today.
